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Finding D. J.


“Take the first step in faith. You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.”
Martin Luther King Jr.


Chapter 1 (Jason)
I took the sweater out of the closet for the millionth time. I smelled it for the millionth time. I felt the soft fabric for the millionth time. I imagined for the millionth time that he was still there and that he was still listening.

I love D.J., scribbled so softly on the left inside shoulder of the sweater.

I knew it wasn’t true, but I did it anyway, I wished that he really did love me. I knew that in four hours, my mom would come, insisting that I get out of bed as I hadn’t for a year, insisting that I try to get on with my life. But even now, I knew it wouldn’t happen. I would stay in bed and bury myself in the pillows – if only to wish that he would come and yell at me to get up.

4:00 A.M.

That’s what time it was. It went along this way last year. I had woken up at 4:00 A.M. and fallen back asleep. I knew that that day I would have to go to camp. Church camp. I knew that today I would have to go back again. I would have to go back to my nightmare. I looked at my packed bags and my sleeping bag. I stared out the window. Nathan would be picking me up at nine o’clock and I swore to myself that I would look presentable.
It took me a half hour to get up from my perch on the floor. I quickly took the sweater and shoved it into the very bottom of my bag and walked to the bathroom. I brushed my teeth – scrubbed them so hard that my gums bled. I brushed my hair into a high ponytail until my scalp burned from the pressure – I was causing myself as much pain as possible to make sure I could still feel. I scrubbed my face and smeared concealer under my eyes – no one would catch me looking as I usually did. I dressed slowly, pulling a warm turtleneck over my head. I slipped a blue and black reversible vest over it. I realized that I had taken nearly three hours to get dressed.
I pulled my brown leather boots over my skinny leg jeans and looked in the mirror… presentable. I rushed downstairs and gobbled down a bowl of soggy cereal. Nathan rang the doorbell and opened the door.
“Hello, Mrs. Jones!” he called out. He walked into the kitchen and was very surprised to see me.
“Hello, Nathan,” I choked out.
“Hey there, Danielle,” he said. “Feeling better?”
“No,” I replied looking at my hands.
“You got out of bed,” he commented.
“Yeah,” I said. “Yeah, I did. Let’s go.”
My mom came downstairs and was also surprised to see that I was already up. Whe wished me good luck and kissed my cheek.
“Bye, I love you,” I whispered, thought I didn’t really mean it. If my mother really loved me then she wouldn’t have sent me to camp.
“Bye, Mrs. Jones,” Nathan said cheerily. “Have a nice week.”
“You too, Nathan,” Mom said smiling. “Tell me how she does.” She spoke as if I weren’t there. “Your dad will call later, Danielle.” Yeah, my dad was always promising to call later… but he never did. He always called to check on my mom and baby brother, but his seventeen year old daughter was lost to him.
Nathan shuttled my luggage into the back of his mom’s SUV. He opened the passenger side of the car for me and I stepped in. New car smell assailed me and I had to open the window just to keep from vomiting. Nathan didn’t object, I don’t think he’d have liked it if I vomited all over his mom’s car. On the way to camp, we picked up Nathan’s girlfriend, Leah, her brother Michael, Michael’s best friends, Jason and Martin, and Jason’s little sister Erin. Erin was my age and Leah was nineteen. Michael, Jason and Martin were all seventeen as well.
I moved into the back seat when Leah came. Jason and I sat all the way in the back, Michael, Martin, and Erin sat in the back, and Nathan and Leah in front. Jason was kind of cute, but I wasn’t into guys… not after him. Jason looked at me and smiled sheepishly. He pulled his sleeves down, but not before I saw the scars on his wrists. Now I realized why Nathan had said that Jason was someone I could relate to. I didn’t really care that everyone worried about me; Nathan was my best friend, he could worry all he wanted, but everyone else eyeing me to see if I would crush was just a little ridiculous.
“Hey, I’m Jason,” Jason said. “You know, Mike’s friend.”
“Yeah,” I replied. “I’ve heard of you; seen you in school too. You’re in my English class. Mrs. Marburg can be a pain.”
“Yeah,” he agreed. “She can be, but I like English do it doesn’t matter.”
“Yeah,” I muttered. “Me too.”

It had been a while since I’d remembered that I’d once liked English.

Now I just went to school to go through the motions. I got straight A’s and never once had I failed a class – even the ones I hated. Jason kept up a stream of questions and conversation as if we were the only ones in the car. I was stupid and answered in the monosyllabic tones. He was just a little too cute… a little too much like him.
“Why,” I asked once. “Why did you do that to yourself?” I nodded at his cut wrists.

He covered them up with his black turtle neck.

“My girlfriend overdosed at a party,” he said. “My parents got divorced. My brother committed suicide. It was a bad year. I’m better now, but the scars will be there forever… to remind me of therapy I’ve had to go through.” He trailed off and smiled at me. I could see that he was ashamed of what he had done. I looked at Erin; she looked just as damaged.
“Do you think I’m nuts?” he asked quietly. As if anything I say counts, I thought.
“No,” I replied. “I’ve thought about it for a while.”
Jason immediately grabbed my wrists; slipping up my sleeves he looked at my inner wrists. He saw that there were two cuts on my left hand.
“Don’t,” he said brusquely. “Don’t ever do that. Again. You’ll regret it later.”

May the stars watch over you,

Asiat Averas